*disclosure: This is an excerpt from a journal I kept the second week of June 2020. I spent this week starting a journey to understand and educate myself on racism in America and world wide, to understand my own racism and to start to work that I will be doing everyday for the rest of my life. This was the start of my journey, I was (and am) still learning. I’m just sharing my process, in hopes that it helps. This isn’t meant as a manual and I’m not an expert…. this is meant to provoke thought, educational processes, and action. . Please read Days 1-4 first.
Day Five:
First, I want to write about how my evening ended yesterday. It’s weird. The last two weeks have indeed been crazy and I have put lots of time into doing the work. That said, I think that yesterday combined with today, a flip really switched in my head.
After I stopped writing last night I spent two hours in a webinar with a really wonderful racial justice educator by the name of Rachel Ricketts. I’m not sure if I heard anything super new or that I hadn’t already conceptualized, but it was still all stuff that I NEEDED to hear. I needed to be reminded of my own complacency.
I think that for my partner (half black) the whole of the events of the last two weeks had finally gotten to the point of being too much. We were both stressed, angry, sad, anxious, and a whole mess of other shit. We ended the night crying in each others arms in bed. It was overwhelming for me to see how much pain he is in. Seeing someone you love in pain, that’s a universal feeling… needless to say I didn’t sleep that well.
I woke up feeling just really stuck with this whole COVID thing. I want so badly to protest. I want so badly to take to the streets, to raise the voices around me and to raise my own. There is something so satisfying and cathartic… something healing… about actually screaming it out, telling the world.
We talked a bit before work, I think we are both hurting but doing okay. On my way to work I talked to my mom. It was a challenging conversation, we don’t see eye to eye on everything right now. But I do think that my pushing is starting to spark some recognition of where the world is right now and where we want it to be heading.
During work, I sang ‘Stand by Me’ at the same time other people were doing it all around the world. Nobody but the toddler I’m working with could hear me. I didn’t record it, though I wish I had in some way. It was an honest and beautiful kid moment. I felt a sense of community despite being mostly alone and in the midst of this social isolation. And my little guy, he got the best smile, he was shrieking with joy, and signing ‘more’. I started snapping my fingers in time to the song and he started mimicking me. I’m not totally sure that it qualifies as doing the work, but damn was it beautiful to me in that moment.
When I got home, I watched the videos from the night before, physically ill from the video of the 75 year old man shoved to the pavement and marched over while bleeding. Overwhelmed with anger and grief. My plans of walking around town to hang posters changed a bit. I needed a space to work through feelings.
While folding laundry and then working on a digital birthday card for Breonna Taylor ( a young black woman shot in her own bed by cops) I watched “The Hate U Give”. Which was heartbreak and hopeful too. I spent a good 40 minutes crying openly on the couch before I felt like I could get up and tackle the rest of my day again.
For me, this meant commenting on a great cousins BS on facebook in a clear and constructive way, providing the facts and links she would need to start the work herself. This was cathartic and needed. Watched a live protest for a little while. Some family time, some much needed laughter, and a good chat with my best friend later… I am still tired, sad, angry, and frustrated. But I have rescheduled my poster walk for tomorrow afternoon, I have a couple of action items left to complete tonight before bed. I’m resigned to do this work. It sucks. I hate that we have to do this work. But I will. I will do this work.
Coffee & Conundrums 