Yeah, a bit morbid perhaps to think of grief as something one can become experienced in, but I think accurate. But as I start to feel myself tipping into that category, I also find myself frustrated by just how unhelpful my own experience is.
Unlike harder jobs, bullying, family struggles, and in some ways even the mental illnesses I’ve struggled with, depression and anxiety. I find that all my experience leaves me feeling woefully unprepared and unable to help or even support others.
Part of it is this paralyzation that comes from the memories of the painful and stupid things people said to me. Utterly useless ‘I’m sorrys’, completely thoughtless ‘he’s in a better places’, and the thoughtful but ultimately fruitless ‘I’m here if you need anything’. Then there were the super thoughtless ‘I need my garage door key your dad had.’ Or the ‘Such a terrible week I’ve had with this loss’ or ‘it’s not that surprising really.’
I THINK I’m thoughtful, empathetic, and experienced enough to not say anything that stupid or hurtful. But I don’t KNOW it. I find myself so terrified I struggle to say anything.
Then there’s the awful belief I have… the ugly truth of the matter. Which is that really, there isn’t much I can say or do to help. Everyone will experience it in their own ways… each of us faces a new and unique, ever changing, ever present companion in the loss of a loved one. Grief.
I also know that I have been helped by others who have shared their grief experiences with me… Which obviously contradicts everything I’ve said above. I can name the people, quote their words, and tell you in great detail just what it was that those words helped me to understand.
So why is it so difficult for me to bring myself to say anything?
Send help!
Coffee & Conundrums 