I write almost everyday. I make a point of writing about social justice and grief often, because they matter… and because they don’t often get the attention and thought they deserve. But also because writing is a way of processing for me… and these are things that take processing.
Nick and I have made lots of big steps in our lives in the last few years. These are things that you want to share. I want soooo badly to share. But the pandemic, distance, and death have made that difficult and painful.
Sometimes, my dreams are pointless, useless. Sometimes they are painful and full of loss. But sometimes…. like the other night, they find some way to fill just a little of the space left by the people I’ve lost.
I dreamt I was with Nick and my family. We got engaged. My grandpa right next to me when I said yes. We decided in my dream to do it just two days later. And surrounded by the beautiful people I love we planned a whirlwind event. And my grandpa in the crowd and my dads hand holding mine, I walked an aisle toward Nick. I can still feel the hugs from those loved ones.
I wanted to cry when I woke up… cry from missing them. But mostly crying from the joy. I am so loved. I have so much love. And a life that is missed, is a life that’s been loved. A heart that is broken, is one that’s been loved.
I miss them. But I am so glad I had them for as long as I did.
Coffee & Conundrums 