Yup… going there. (That’s me trying to convince myself that I am in fact going to write about this.)
Let me preface this by saying that I am not a doctor, dietician, or any other kind of professional. Everything that follows is just thoughts and feelings about my own health, my journey, the different seasons of life, and where I’m at, and why I think it might actually be different than where I’ve been before.
I’ve been tall and bigger boned my whole life. According to a dietician I talked to, a healthy weight for me is anywhere from 165-195, depending on muscle mass, activity, etc. I’m never going to be one of those people who weighs 120 and is healthy. I’m a Scandinavian wooden-shoe shouldered woman.
Since I was 9 or 10 I’ve struggled with liking my body, respecting it, feeling like it or I was good enough. At age 19 I lost 40+lbs in just a few months and was at a healthy weight, but I did in the most restrictive, obsessive, really negative way. And when that wasn’t sustainable, it only got worse. My mental health was the worst it’s ever been. I had no respect for myself. From binge drinking and eating to dangerous fasting and diet pills. Ending in my OD and being diagnosed with several things. I finally got help.
Since then, my weight and fitness have yoyo-ed, trending upward… The last four years, since starting to date Nick, I’ve gained almost 25 lbs a year. That said… I’m in school, working a job I love, I’m in a stable happy and loving relationship, I bought a house, and I am stable emotionally.
Since that first intense weight loss experience and everything that followed… and with a family history of eating disorders, I’ve been afraid to really try to lose weight. Afraid to hate myself again… afraid of loosing an identity and community that I’ve only really come to terms with in the last year. And afraid of feeling unwelcome in the straight size or mid size communities. And afraid of failing. But more than anything afraid of doing this for the wrong reasons and doing more damage than good in the long run, if I get too obsessed.
All that said, there are things that I want to do but can’t or am afraid to, because of my weight. And that’s a problem for me. I love my body and I don’t want to find myself hating it because of what it can’t do. I don’t want to let fear hold me back. And I want to live a long and healthy life … and so I started walking more. That felt good.
I started my food adventures, working on building a new relationship with food and with the kitchen. And I could tell that I was actually starting to enjoy it. I was feeling a little better and even though it wasn’t super consistent I knew I was on the right track, a slow consistent change in lifestyle. I weighed myself twice during this, 3 weeks apart. I lost 3 lbs.
Ultimately I don’t want this to be about my weight. I want it to be about how I feel and what I can do, but weight, heart health, and some other numerical bits do play a part in that and also in long term health. Not to my surprise, but to my disappointment (also kind of scary), my heart health right now is pretty bad, ‘low’… and I want to do better than that. So I’ve started walked everyday and being mindful about food every meal….
It’s been 5 days… which is admittedly not very long. In just five days, my heart rate when active has dropped by 20 bpm, my resting heart rate has also dropped 18 bpm, heart rate variability has improved, and cardio fitness is also improving. And I can tell, I feel a little stronger.
I’m watching my sleep, being more mindful of screens in bed, and caffeine intake. I’m not restricting what I eat, but I’m making sure the meals are balanced. And right now, I’m putting a lot of effort into this… which feels scary, it feels like it might be too much… maybe I’m getting obsessed… I feel so afraid of hating myself again.
But I don’t think that’s where I’m going. I think I’m on the road to enjoying more of my life after all the hard work I’ve put into building what we have so far. I’m eager to play tennis in the mornings with Nick, I’m actually excited to cook in our messy but stunning kitchen. And so far, right now, I feel like I am respecting and taking care of my body in a way that I haven’t… in a really long time.
Anyway…. sending good vibes. More soon.
Me.
Coffee & Conundrums 