I think it’s easy to say that I may never manage true consistency in my posting. Unless of course we can consider my some what frequent blocks of absence a constant, in which case, I’m doing great. It feels as though a million things and nothing has happened since I last wrote. Politically speaking, the wins are there, but the losses are so fucking heavy. Racially, we are in the midst of this reckoning… One that I’m struck by. My mind is on it constantly, trying to figure out what I should be doing.
In my own life, we are making such wonderful progress with the yard and house. We are vaccinated and started to see people here and there again. I’ve made a new friend recently, and my best and oldest friend is coming to see me soon. Life is moving forward. But in what feels like lurches and hard stops… I find myself doing what I can to try to preserve the parts of this last year that have been good for me, while also trying to reclaim what was lost, all while facing constant fear and anxiety about the larger picture of the future which still feels so unclear.
But I’ve been feeling more like sharing and writing again… my brain is making space where there wasn’t any for a little while. And so I’m going to try while I can. Which if history is any teacher is either a week, a month, or clean through until September when Seasonal depression and anxiety start to kick back in. It’s been unseasonably warm here the last two weeks or so, which has both been lovely on a micro scale and scary on the macro.
I’ve gotten sun, so much so that my freckles are coming out to play. I’ve gotten a jump of my cute summer outfits for the year. Our garden and flowers are doing so well. I’m getting more time outside. Work, play, relaxing… it’s all been just a little easier. But there’s also this fear of what this will mean for the fire season here. Last year was scary. Toxic air on top of a pandemic… I REALLY don’t want to experience that again. It’s already in the news.
Grief kicks in when I think about that wild fire. I smell my dad, those first big hugs as a small child when he would get home after fighting fires out west for 2 or 3 weeks at a time. The relief that washed over me. The relief doesn’t come like that anymore.
So anyway… I’m back, for now.
Be well
Cassie
Coffee & Conundrums 