It’s been a while since I’ve really written. As with most Autumns in my life, this Autumns brought a lot of changes… a switch in the family I work for as the boys returned to school in person, full time, after almost 11 months with them. My own new classes, a new job for Nick, wedding planning, and a new ‘new normal’.
Nick and I both contracted breakthrough cases of COVID the first week in October. And it sucked. Obviously… but I think sometimes we forget just how insane the last year, almost two has been and what that means for our mental health. Initially when I tested positive I felt calm, rational…
” Call Nick, prepare for quarantine, it’s going to be okay. I know what to do.”
That very quickly devolved into… “what if we get really sick? how did this happen? who gave this to us? who gave it to them? why aren’t these people getting vaccinated? what will this mean for our budget for this month, what about the wedding budget? the rest of the year?”
Fear set in and with it came anxiety, anger, and all the actual symptoms of COVID. It was a rough 3 weeks. 2 in quarantine… and another one just trying to figure out how to cope with the lingering symptoms, while getting back to work and life. Weeks of anxiety around money, the holidays, and potential for long term health issues. We are almost three months out now… Our sleep and energy levels are still messed up. I don’t have even close to all of my sense of smell back, which is messing with my taste buds. And my recovery from my booster shot, has been REALLY SLOW.
Thankfully we have been lucky and have a lot of privilege in that we have a home, a support network, internet, health insurance, and good jobs. But even with all that, the impact is still being felt financially, physically, and mentally months later. Peoples experiences with COVID aren’t a monolith, they’re varied and complicated… I guess this is a plea to anyone reading to check in with your people, those who have been sick and those who haven’t… because while we have all found ways to maneuver and even thrive in this new new normal, we have been through HELL, and the devil always takes a toll.
November was largely catch-up and recovery. It was also a really beautiful chance to really engage with our community again. Bonds with some really lovey people were forged and made stronger. I think a true sense of community and family is finally here in Oregon for us.
December has been a whirlwind of finals, making plans, cramming last hurrahs into 2021, travel, and this last week … rest and reflection, which is what I really wanted to write about…
Once again… I’ve got 3 days left, which both tells me something interesting about myself, my timeline, and how I think about things. Last year the last three days of 2020, I did a whole series, a sudden, slightly unplanned… sort of insane deep dive into the review of the year and the planning of the next one. With some success and some failure… and not nearly enough intention. Click here to read some of what was written last year.
And while I find myself finally posting here and typing it out for the first time, 3 days before the end of the year, again… The intentions, thoughts, introspection, that I’m hoping to share over these next few days, has been a bit longer in oven this time around and with any luck at all, it won’t see quite so half-baked. Last year I did several different “Best of 2020” posts around books, music, clothes, items for the home. I also did a “20 things Im grateful for in 2020” ….
It all culminated in “Things to try in 2021” …
And while none of these were awful, this year’s renditions will be tweaked and flushed out a little bit. Best of 2021: Moments, 21 Things I Am Grateful for in 2021, 21 Things I Tried in 2021, 22 Things to Try in 2022, and lastly Consistency for Me in 2022.
But before I move on to those… this post is really the first and should have that substance. I have felt and seen a lot of growth in myself in this last year, I have also become aware of my own stagnation in other areas of my life. I have watched myself build patterns, some good and some bad.. This season of my life has easily been one of the most challenging and beautiful. I am more proud of myself than ever before, while also lighting a fire under my own ass when it comes to the areas of my life and habits that I would like to change.
All the while, watching the world around me become increasingly … unnerving. My first thought was “unstable” but that’s not quite right, compared to 2020, we feel more stable… but I feel unnerved by the ever present ignorance, lack of compassion, selfishness, and increasing divides. I feel frustrated by what feels like this constant struggle between maintaining my own life balance, trying to save the world, and not falling into a depression of epic proportions… Overwhelmingly feeling like this year I have focussed more on my own life and not done enough for the larger community.
And while I will strive to feel more balanced in this space next year. I know that I am enough and have done enough. Because I did what I could. You can only fit so much into any season… whether it’s Fall, Spring, or the 2nd season of (insert favorite TV show here). Every season must end.
Coffee & Conundrums 